the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
