you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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