Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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