Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I still have a little drunk in my system
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
