I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
