Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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