She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
