haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
