well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
