I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
