I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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