you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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