youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
