Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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