I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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