True but thats because hes a fetus.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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