Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
