Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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