I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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