This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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