People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
