Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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