I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
