If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
