my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
