Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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