I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
