Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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