He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
