If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
