He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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