I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my being single is dangerous.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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