Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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