you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
