It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
