I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
