one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
