I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
