i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
