I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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