Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i will never coherently bang her
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
