i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
