I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
