pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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