I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
