she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
