I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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