I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
