i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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