theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
this just has baby written all over it
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
