if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm passing your future prison.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
