I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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