There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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