I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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