You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
